Bluffer's Guide to Social Media by Susie Boniface

Author:Susie Boniface
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bluffer's Guides

‘I never expected all these cats.’

Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web

SOCIAL MEDIA? LOL

Luckily for us all, the internet is not filled with lawyers. They’re just there trying to keep a check on things, and often make a total hash of it because they have no idea what ‘funny’ is.

Rather, the internet is filled with cats. And people pretending to be their cat. And techno-geeks thinking of new ways to make videos of cats who look like they’re dancing, Hitler, or just grumpy.

The good bluffer knows that there are three basic types of people online, and rules for dealing with them:

1. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SUE SOMEONE

This is the simplest of the three categories, and covers lawyers, litigious types, thin-skinned billionaires and vengeful sorts.

RULE Do not engage with these people.

It’s rarely worth it. Lawyers don’t hand out free legal advice, litigious types sue at the drop of a hat, thin-skinned billionaires don’t even wait for the hat to drop and vengeful types are simply insane. You’d avoid them in real life – avoid them on social media, wherever possible. The likelihood of getting into serious trouble if you do not is very high.

The only exception to this rule is if you ‘do a Spartacus’ and need a social media-savvy lawyer/handy celebrity to argue your case.

2. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED

This is the second easiest category of people to keep happy online.

RULE Be entertaining.

You don’t have to pirouette naked on roller skates in a viral YouTube video, but they won’t mind if you do. Half of them will clap wildly, 40 per cent will think a cat would be funnier, and 10 per cent will bother to write a comment criticising your technique. It doesn’t matter; whether they loved it or hated it, they were entertained for a few brief moments.

Perhaps roller-skating’s not your thing. Fine, so be entertaining in terms of the information you impart, the pictures you can take, the music you share. The boredom thresholds of people in this category are so low they’re close to the Earth’s core, so even if you’re not a natural entertainer, they won’t be paying attention to you for long. A quick bit of TA DA! and they’ll leave you alone.

3. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE FUNNY

This is the trickiest category. Most are woefully lacking in the main ingredients, and one or two really are frustrated stand-up comedians who just missed their lucky break. It’s tricky in exactly the same way it’s tricky to deal with these people in real life, in that natural-born comedians are by nature vain, egotistical, selfish manic depressives with a self-abuse complex.

RULE Tread carefully, for you tread on their dreams.

When a bluffer meets someone online who thinks they’re funny, there are several options available:

a) Laugh. Really only do this if they’re genuinely funny, or you’ll never be shot of them. In fact, even if they’re genuinely funny, they’ll love you forever if you laugh at their jokes, so you’ll never be shot of them anyway. But still, if it’s a good joke, let them know.

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